On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
