Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
