"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
