Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
