Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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