awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
