i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
