i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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