I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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