i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
