If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
