Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
