There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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