I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
