Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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