So drunk its hurt
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize