Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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