I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
