it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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