This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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