He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
