I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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