Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
