Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
