he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
