i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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