I met the friendliest cop last night
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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