i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
