my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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