they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
