and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
