you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
