I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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