You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
