I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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