I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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