Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
