Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
