you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
