Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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