i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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