Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
