Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
