so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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