Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
