What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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