Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
