I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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