this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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