I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
