Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
