a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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