I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
