he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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