If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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