I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
