I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
accomplished twins. life is a go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
