so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize