pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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