last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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