you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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